Every time NaNoWriMo rolls around, it seems there’s a new crop of aspiring writers looking for advice from us old warhorses. Typically, I’m torn between a humorous response, or one that illustrates some of the harsher realities inherent in embarking on a career as an author. Inevitably, I decide that humor makes my points more effectively. 

My “Curmudgeon’s Guide” had its genesis in one of those scandals that often plague genre fiction, particularly when award season rolls around. In this instance, it was rumored that a particular author was so desperate to win the award that the author announced they had cancer. When concerned colleagues pressed for more information, the author apparently refused to disclose any more information other than that the type of cancer was “the fatal kind.” Quite a few years have passed since then and, from what I can tell, the author is still with us, and if there have been additional mentions of illness, I seem to have missed them. One may suspect that the cancer may more accurately have been described as “the illusory kind.” 

Sadly, when it comes to winning awards, this sort of thing happens more than you’d think. I knew one author who is now deceased who opted for a very different approach. In this case, when I say the author is “deceased”, I mean that they have actually died, and have not simply spread false rumors of their death to garner sympathy votes. I haven’t yet heard of that happening, but it may simply be because it’s very hard to make an acceptance speech when you have supposedly already been cremated or buried. 

This author signaled the start of award season with a series of telephone calls. Chatty and friendly at first, the author was personable enough to make you forget that you had not heard from them since the start of last year’s award season! Eventually and inevitably, the conversation somehow drifted onto the subject of the author’s latest book, its award eligibility, and devolved from there into heartfelt pleading for votes. A third author had a penchant for surrounding himself with sycophants – to the point of paying for half a dozen people’s membership dues in the relevant organization so as to create a favorable voting bloc. Once nominated, this author sent his minions forth to post one-star reviews of competing books. 

Naturally, the more outrageous the behavior, the more tickled pink I was by it. And so, with tongue planted firmly in cheek, I offer you:

A Curmudgeon's Guide for Aspiring Authors (a.k.a. The Ten Commandments for Destroying Your Career

#1 Getting Awards - If you win an award, flaunt it. Take out ads. Have T-shirts made. Be so obnoxious about it that the voters will NEVER vote for you again and those of us who did NOT get to take home the coveted haunted house statue or gilded rock will be avenged.

#2 Learning Your Craft - Forget about grammar and spelling. Use “heightened” language. Stylize everything.  If your story is brilliant enough, those of us who are competing with you for a publisher’s attention will be MOST appreciative and will gladly sympathize with your misunderstood genius.

#3 Finding Inspiration - That funny thing that happened to you when you were ten would make a GREAT novel. Really, it would. (Where are you submitting again? Oh, no reason. I just heard they might be looking…)

#4 Collaborating - Many NY Times Best Selling authors would LOVE to collaborate on your book with you. It doesn’t matter that you’ve never had a novel published. When you show them that devastating exposé about corruption on the girls’ hockey team that you wrote for your high school newspaper, they will be even more impressed.

#5 Dealing with Rejection (by Agents) - If an agent rejects your work, take revenge. Don’t stint; go whole hog. Paper their houses. Put sugar in their gas tanks. Boil their pet bunnies. Be relentless. They're agents. They're used to it. 

#6 Dealing with Rejection (by Publishers) - If your work is rejected by a publisher, throw a tantrum immediately. Threaten lawsuits. Make sure they know you will NOT forget the arrogance of their rejection when you win your Pulitzer. Tell them you’re going to Random House instead. THAT will show them!

#7 Reading Other Authors - Do NOT read anyone else’s work. The sorry state of modern literature will only annoy you because it’s not NEARLY as good as your work. How can those morons be published while YOUR talent remains unacknowledged?

#8 Finding Time to Write – Only write when you “feel” it. Don’t stick to a schedule. Drink instead. After all, when you see them in public, what are most authors doing? That’s right! They’re DRINKING, not writing. It’s the secret to their success.

#9 Overcoming Writers' Block - Do not be afraid of Writers’ Block. It is your friend. It allows you months, sometimes even years, to be “working on something” without actually having to publish and without losing face. Eventually, you may have a brilliant manuscript to show for it. Or else, you might die before it’s completed. (In the latter case, everyone will say what you wrote was brilliant even if it was crappy. No one likes to speak ill of the dead.)

#10 Dealing with Fans - Ignore the fans. Better yet, piss them off. The work of truly brilliant authors stands on its own. The public doesn’t actually need to read it. The curse of a true genius is to be misunderstood and lonely. Argue with your readers. Show ‘em how wrong they are about your work. Insult them. The history of great literature is full of curmudgeonly authors who made a fortune.

Now sally forth, O Aspiring Author! If you obey these rules, you may have improved your chances at a best selling novel immeasurably. And who knows, with the tiniest bit of luck, there is even the chance that Hollywood will come a-knocking!